Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
so many postss
maybe i should get a tumblr or something, so i can rant and stuff a hundred times a day :D anyways....
i really wish that it didn't have to end this way, on such extremely bad terms. i tried my best to make anything or SOMETHING happen, for the better, but i guess it just didn't work out, right? wow, this sounds like i'm breaking up in a relationship, when i'm not. ANYWAYS, i've known you my whole entire life and i thought we were going to continue being a family sticking together during the good times and the bad times for the rest of our lives, but i guess thats not the case. and that pains me very much.
if i could wish for anything right now, it would be for you and me to be back to what we used to be and not what we are as of now. so i'm going to hope/imagine that a shooting star passed by. of course it won't be exactly like the wish i just made, or it won't come true and i'll be sad. but it'll be something similar to it.
i want to tell you that i've learned my lesson and that i'm eventually going to breaking down (if i haven't already) through whatever this thing is that we're going through, but its not like you would listen to me. its not like you'll give me a chance to explain myself in any way or form, because thats just the way you are. you stay angry at people for the longest time ever, and you never forgive no matter what they did, as long as they made you mad. does it really have to end like this though? is this what you've always wanted? well, its certainly not what i've always wanted or even EVER wanted but just realize that when you look back on this you'll know that i tried my best for me and you to be back to the way things were and that i really, truly didn't mean to do the things i did. i didn't mean to hurt you in any shape or form, i didn't mean for it to make things more complicated in our lives then it already is. it was something on the moment, i was extremely mad and ranting at whatever i could find and exaggerate it to the extreme. i took it the wrong way, your approach of teaching me, because i've always had to be suspicious in whatever you were doing for me, you always had to benefit one way or another. if its going with her, or enjoying a day out of your house, or even buying some new clothes and spending time to shop. i never knew how much you've been trying to help me, because its in a more harsher way than i thought it would be, so i didn't realize it until now that i rethink of everything thats happened. so, i'm sorry. i really am sorry.
but, when you remember years later this moment right now, we'd already haven't spoken to each other for decades and all this time would pass by where we weren't in each others lives. we haven't talked, haven't seen each other, and our lives have literally blinked past us just like that. thats what i'm most scared of though, its when i look back to this time and realize that i've made a terrible mistake thats going to haunt me forever. but what i won't have, that you would, is guilt. guilt that you didn't forgive easier, guilt that you let all this time pass by, guilt that you never listened to a single word of explanation that i tried telling you ten thousand times. you had ten thousand chances to even try to make things ok between you and me, and you lost them all.
i hope you don't read this ( you probably won't ) because you would get even more pissed. please just think from my point of view, at least once and see how i see the world. because this is somewhere i can rethink where i can just let everything out and if all of this was in me, i'd burst right this moment.
i really wish that it didn't have to end this way, on such extremely bad terms. i tried my best to make anything or SOMETHING happen, for the better, but i guess it just didn't work out, right? wow, this sounds like i'm breaking up in a relationship, when i'm not. ANYWAYS, i've known you my whole entire life and i thought we were going to continue being a family sticking together during the good times and the bad times for the rest of our lives, but i guess thats not the case. and that pains me very much.
if i could wish for anything right now, it would be for you and me to be back to what we used to be and not what we are as of now. so i'm going to hope/imagine that a shooting star passed by. of course it won't be exactly like the wish i just made, or it won't come true and i'll be sad. but it'll be something similar to it.
i want to tell you that i've learned my lesson and that i'm eventually going to breaking down (if i haven't already) through whatever this thing is that we're going through, but its not like you would listen to me. its not like you'll give me a chance to explain myself in any way or form, because thats just the way you are. you stay angry at people for the longest time ever, and you never forgive no matter what they did, as long as they made you mad. does it really have to end like this though? is this what you've always wanted? well, its certainly not what i've always wanted or even EVER wanted but just realize that when you look back on this you'll know that i tried my best for me and you to be back to the way things were and that i really, truly didn't mean to do the things i did. i didn't mean to hurt you in any shape or form, i didn't mean for it to make things more complicated in our lives then it already is. it was something on the moment, i was extremely mad and ranting at whatever i could find and exaggerate it to the extreme. i took it the wrong way, your approach of teaching me, because i've always had to be suspicious in whatever you were doing for me, you always had to benefit one way or another. if its going with her, or enjoying a day out of your house, or even buying some new clothes and spending time to shop. i never knew how much you've been trying to help me, because its in a more harsher way than i thought it would be, so i didn't realize it until now that i rethink of everything thats happened. so, i'm sorry. i really am sorry.
but, when you remember years later this moment right now, we'd already haven't spoken to each other for decades and all this time would pass by where we weren't in each others lives. we haven't talked, haven't seen each other, and our lives have literally blinked past us just like that. thats what i'm most scared of though, its when i look back to this time and realize that i've made a terrible mistake thats going to haunt me forever. but what i won't have, that you would, is guilt. guilt that you didn't forgive easier, guilt that you let all this time pass by, guilt that you never listened to a single word of explanation that i tried telling you ten thousand times. you had ten thousand chances to even try to make things ok between you and me, and you lost them all.
i hope you don't read this ( you probably won't ) because you would get even more pissed. please just think from my point of view, at least once and see how i see the world. because this is somewhere i can rethink where i can just let everything out and if all of this was in me, i'd burst right this moment.
my life in ruins
i don't know how to survive anymore. things are going downhill more worst then i've ever imagined that it would be.i was always able to go to you for help. i can't believe we're not talking. i just can't take it. it scares the shit out of me.
and now, i have no one to lean on, to ask for help about my conflicts or my life.i regret it so much, it feels like someone stabbing me in the heart over and over again. please forgive me, i know you're super pissed and i'm trying my best to get this message through but it just seems like you want to shun me out of your life forever, and i honestly don't think i could handle that. even if you don't like me as much as her or i'm not socially cool looking enough to be in any of your profile pictures like her i'm still family, right? people say, blood is thicker then water and i really hope that its true. i did something wrong, you did something wrong, can't we just forget about this. i did something worse of course, but i'm trying so hard to make things better and you're just not letting that happen. why do you have to hold in so much hate inside of you? i get so exhausted just for hating something for one day, and now i'm even more exhausted from being sad/hurt/angry and in pain for the past few days, i don't know how much longer i can last with this, so please, make it stop, i'm begging you.
and now, i have no one to lean on, to ask for help about my conflicts or my life.i regret it so much, it feels like someone stabbing me in the heart over and over again. please forgive me, i know you're super pissed and i'm trying my best to get this message through but it just seems like you want to shun me out of your life forever, and i honestly don't think i could handle that. even if you don't like me as much as her or i'm not socially cool looking enough to be in any of your profile pictures like her i'm still family, right? people say, blood is thicker then water and i really hope that its true. i did something wrong, you did something wrong, can't we just forget about this. i did something worse of course, but i'm trying so hard to make things better and you're just not letting that happen. why do you have to hold in so much hate inside of you? i get so exhausted just for hating something for one day, and now i'm even more exhausted from being sad/hurt/angry and in pain for the past few days, i don't know how much longer i can last with this, so please, make it stop, i'm begging you.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
naps, anyone?
i really need sleep time. sleep time makes me happy :) man, i wish the days were longer with more hours. i can sleep more, and i would have more time to do hw! which is what i'm supposed to be doing right now, but thats ok ;) every single minute of every single day i only want to do one thing, and thats sleep. SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP, thats all i can think of! and the occasional thought of food.yeah, so i need to do hw faster so i can sleep more! speaking of that....i need to do hw. haha. ok byee.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
its been a while
a long while. if that even made sense...a long while? whatever. so its been like two months since i last blogged, i believe? my depression level has finally dropped to an all time low. i just tried out for jv tennis,i made it, and then i got kicked off for an unjust reason, and thats been making me cry a lot. i don't even get why i'm crying, i just feel like i've been wronged. i went through so much just to play tennis, just to tryout, just to practice with my friends, and now this is what i get? it just doesn't seem right. it really doesnt. i now have no more interest in school, there's nothing i'm looking forward too and i don't even know what to do to get my interest back to where it belongs.i think that last year has been too good to me, too great to me, so now this year feels like shit. it feels as if this year will compare nothing to my previous year and i was so looking forward for this year to be even better. i honestly wish i could tell myself everything's okay and that i can deal with it, but i can't, because everything's not okay and i really can't deal with it. the only reason i haven't been blogging was because everything wasn't that great in those two awful months. so if i wrote it down, i know i would've felt worse. who wouldn't, if they're reflecting everything crappy in their life, and then realizing all of the crappy stuff they have? needless to say....wait, what does that even mean? needless to say...hmmm. ANYWAYS, i've finally decided to blog, because i know i have to let it all out, even if it means tearing up while typing this for the reason that i'll feel better. hopefully tomorrow will be a good day because tomorrow's my last hope. i'm going to hope
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