so many postss

maybe i should get a tumblr or something, so i can rant and stuff a hundred times a day :D anyways....
i really wish that it didn't have to end this way, on such extremely bad terms. i tried my best to make anything or SOMETHING happen, for the better, but i guess it just didn't work out, right? wow, this sounds like i'm breaking up in a relationship, when i'm not. ANYWAYS, i've known you my whole entire life and i thought we were going to continue being a family sticking together during the good times and the bad times for the rest of our lives, but i guess thats not the case. and that pains me very much.

if i could wish for anything right now, it would be for you and me to be back to what we used to be and not what we are as of now. so i'm going to hope/imagine that a shooting star passed by. of course it won't be exactly like the wish i just made, or it won't come true and i'll be sad. but it'll be something similar to it.

i want to tell you that i've learned my lesson and that i'm eventually going to breaking down (if i haven't already) through whatever this thing is that we're going through, but its not like you would listen to me. its not like you'll give me a chance to explain myself in any way or form, because thats just the way you are. you stay angry at people for the longest time ever, and you never forgive no matter what they did, as long as they made you mad. does it really have to end like this though? is this what you've always wanted? well, its certainly not what i've always wanted or even EVER wanted but just realize that when you look back on this you'll know that i tried my best for me and you to be back to the way things were and that i really, truly didn't mean to do the things i did. i didn't mean to hurt you in any shape or form, i didn't mean for it to make things more complicated in our lives then it already is. it was something on the moment, i was extremely mad and ranting at whatever i could find and exaggerate it to the extreme. i took it the wrong way, your approach of teaching me, because i've always had to be suspicious in whatever you were doing for me, you always had to benefit one way or another. if its going with her, or enjoying a day out of your house, or even buying some new clothes and spending time to shop. i never knew how much you've been trying to help me, because its in a more harsher way than i thought it would be, so i didn't realize it until now that i rethink of everything thats happened. so, i'm sorry. i really am sorry.

but, when you remember years later this moment right now, we'd already haven't spoken to each other for decades and all this time would pass by where we weren't in each others lives. we haven't talked, haven't seen each other, and our lives have literally blinked past us just like that. thats what i'm most scared of though, its when i look back to this time and realize that i've made a terrible mistake thats going to haunt me forever. but what i won't have, that you would, is guilt. guilt that you didn't forgive easier, guilt that you let all this time pass by, guilt that you never listened to a single word of explanation that i tried telling you ten thousand times. you had ten thousand chances to even try to make things ok between you and me, and you lost them all.

i hope you don't read this ( you probably won't ) because you would get even more pissed. please just think from my point of view, at least once and see how i see the world. because this is somewhere i can rethink where i can just let everything out and if all of this was in me, i'd burst right this moment.