bicycles

i want a bike. i had one, but i've outgrown it. i've had this urge to ride a bike for like two years now, but its not like i'm crazy over it. its just that every once in a while, i think about wanting to ride a bike at that moment. except, i don't have one. haha. i just want to go somewhere that all there is, is nature. no buildings, no roads, no technology. just grass, lots and lots of grass. i would definitely be able to live there for a long period of time, i wouldn't last there forever because thats just stupid. why live out where nobody is, forever? that would be really lonely. if someone lived there with me, like a friend or something, i would last. but what kind of person wants to live out with their friend (me) in a place with no one except grass and two bikes forever? that person would be really really crazy, like me. soo.... anyone want to live in a place with just grass with me? :)

school is officially over

so now, i have nothing to do. well actually, its the complete opposite. my life during the summer will be packed with just benefits for the future. all this worrying about a better life when i hit my junior and senior year. i thought that when school would be over, i'd be so happy because i wouldn't worry about grades. but now, i have all this free time, to think about whats gonna happen after summer vacation. there's nothing really that i'm doing that involves the present, besides the vacation. the others are just gonna be, oh if i get into a better sports team, volunteer hours for college, swimming so that i might grow taller? what am i gonna do that i would like, for right now? none of all this planning so that my life would be better later on. why can't i just worry about later on, later? because the earlier the better. the earlier you volunteer, the better. the earlier you have some sports the better. i wanna do something that would make me happy right now, not something i'm doing to make me happy years later. but i know i would regret not doing it. maybe i'm just going into this subject a bit too deep, because i am happy doing all these things. but its just draining out all my energy. i always feel tired and after i do something, i would take a four hour nap and when i wake up, i wouldn't want to. this is basically me complaining about not sleeping enough, but i'm still happy doing all these things, its just i want to stop planning everything.

my science failure.

ugh i won't be able to go to honors. unless mr. tseng takes pity on me, since if i got a 50/50 on science comps then i could go up to an 89.04. i have to get an a to go to bio honors. i was really looking forward to go to honors next year since i really really like biology and i'm not that interested in physics. sigh, it really sucks. i mean, i realize that its not that bad its just one class, but it was something that i really wanted and i kept failing all my science tests since i didn't understand them or study hard enough. i'm really disappointed in myself for not being able to go up to an a. i just hope some crazy miracle happens and i get a 50 on the comp and he says i'll be able to go to honors. but thats gonna be very hard. VERY hard. i wasn't very good in science this year, so what would the chances be that i'd get a 50? none. i'll just study my ass off tomorrow and not go on the internet at all. let's hang on hope.

ONE DOWN, ONE MORE TO GO!

YESSS! i'm done with one part of what i wanted to accomplish! haha, yes i think i realize now its very obvious how much i slack off that i would be happy of accomplishing one thing in the educational area. but nonetheless, i tried really hard :) i better ace that essay!! if i don't, all my super duper hard work (well not that hard,HAHA) would be wasted. i'm not gonna study for spanish, i'll do that early in the morning. WISH ME LUCK!

FINALS

so yes, i'm supposed to be writing stuff down in my note card for english, and studying for my oral. but OBVIOUSLY, i'm not. i just don't FEEL like doing it. i really don't know why, its just i don't know. my chest feels heavy again and it just tells me to stop doing the things i should be doing. i'm trying to fight it off, but as you can see, its not really working. JFOIEAPJWFEJAEJWAJOI ! i tell myself everyday to stop slacking off but its not really working out well for me. ok i think this made me realize how much crap i have going on, haha. gonna ATTEMPT to work hard now. WISH ME LUCK!

-family time-, my western grip

i decided not to do family time anymore. it was just blech. So I played tennis with Catherine and her uncle, her uncle's really good. I guess I could say that I learned many things from him. For one, having a western grip. He says a western grip was best for me, but I absolutely hate the Western grip. I don't care if it would help me in the future if I know its not the right one for me. I was really tired and he told me I should probably use another racket, one that would cost me like 200 bucks. that ruined my day. a 200 dollar racket?! but my mom told me it was fine, so I just went with it. Then today my cousin came over and told me I needed to use this one to "gain skills" because its not the racket its the person, or whatever. So I need to learn with this one before I buy a better one. He said he'll show me so at least now I have like a half-coach :D I was about to say, life's good, but its not. All these tests are making my head hurt, but life will be good, once school is over :)

My very first blog, in a really long time.

so its been a really long time since i've blogged. i stopped for a while, but here i am, ready for more. I'm gonna try this for like two months or something to see if it would even help me emotionally. I think its supposed to. So what made me start this blog was my level of stress. I'm not really appreciating life right now and i came here, in hopes of just pooping it all out. lets begin, shall we?

My parents are too overprotective. and if there was a higher level of overprotectiveness, they would be it. My friends can't even pick me up to go anywhere and sometimes i think that they just don't even believe in my friends at all. Telling me to be careful and that if some dude comes in I should call them. At first they made a plan to follow my friend thats there, but then they doubted that and decided on calling them would be best for me. I mean, do they not trust my friends? Do they not trust in the judgement that I have of making friends? My chest feels really heavy now. Everytime they do or say something to make it worse, it gets heavier. I'm not really loving this feeling. And my grades, I keep slacking off when I never want to slack off and I don't know why I slack off. Then i just get so pissed at myself afterwards, realizing how much of a lazy ass I've become. I think, whats gotten into me? But this never ending cycle just can't seem to stop. I really want to raise my grade up in science for me to go into Bio H but I'm not even sure of myself if thats likely to happen.

I feel like everything is just wrong in life, and nothing really seems right. I don't even know what I should do anymore. I would like to say that I'm just gonna go to the swings and hang out for a little bit to cool down, but thats not really likely to happen. It would be too 'dangerous' for me. I was gonna write more but my mom is getting a bit mad now. So to remind myself, my next blogs gonna be called Family Time