i think that i'm so depressed with this, and its just because i just feel so guilty. i feel so sickened by myself. i want us to be ok again, to make it all right between us, but to also make me feel at least a tiny bit better because you forgave me, and everythings ok in the world and we're still family. i don't feel good. i feel so...so greedy for thinking this way. i just can't get this icky feeling off of me; i did something wrong. i did something terrible. but the worst part is, i'm not forgiven for it. i'm not living the way i used to. thats so selfish and i don't want myself thinking this way. but its human nature, i mean, what can i do about that? i can't help it for feeling/thinking this way.
i know thats not like my extreme main reason for being forgiven. so maybe 0.1% selfishness. which is already enough for me to be disappointed in myself. thats so selfish, ughhhhhh. stop being selfish, vivian! stop being so emo, and actually start your hw.
and its also because i want to be able to live my old life again, where nothing extremely bad is going on, so much as to effect my life 24/7. where i would only listen to music and not just surf the web for hours and hours because i can't start on my hw. where i would study for a long period of time, and where i actually stopped procastinating.
who knew this would do that to me? who knew it would break me down.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
LEAGUE GAME!
everytime i blog, i'm gonna always gonna put at least one NORMAL blog, so my blog won't become like the place where i just emo myself out.
TOMORROW'S A LEAGUE GAME! whoo, i'm excited yet terrified. i'm still subbing, but i'm challenging doubles one tomorrow before our game! no i don't think i should be in doubles one, but i tried challenging doubles three a lot and i lost, haha! but i think doubles one isnt as good as doubles three. cause they don't have as much experience as doubles three since doubles three won two games yesterday and doubles one won none. so hopefully i'll be in the ladder at least once! but we're playing against sage and apparently sage is really good, so i'm scared, haha. i hope i don't screw up.
the whs festival is coming up as well and i'm so happy for that. i expect it to be lots of fun and that it can hopefully take all of my sorrows away. plus admission is free :D whoo hooooo. i like free stuff. cause free stuff is still stuff, and thats one more stuff that you can have, at none of your expense :) i think that was bad grammar. oh well.
byebye<3
TOMORROW'S A LEAGUE GAME! whoo, i'm excited yet terrified. i'm still subbing, but i'm challenging doubles one tomorrow before our game! no i don't think i should be in doubles one, but i tried challenging doubles three a lot and i lost, haha! but i think doubles one isnt as good as doubles three. cause they don't have as much experience as doubles three since doubles three won two games yesterday and doubles one won none. so hopefully i'll be in the ladder at least once! but we're playing against sage and apparently sage is really good, so i'm scared, haha. i hope i don't screw up.
the whs festival is coming up as well and i'm so happy for that. i expect it to be lots of fun and that it can hopefully take all of my sorrows away. plus admission is free :D whoo hooooo. i like free stuff. cause free stuff is still stuff, and thats one more stuff that you can have, at none of your expense :) i think that was bad grammar. oh well.
byebye<3
...
ok so i guess the waiting thing didn't really help. probably cussed silently cause i talked/annoyed you again. sigh. story of my life.sorry, i won't bother you again. i was really hoping we could get past this issue, even if my chances were low. i would've rather you yell at me, cuss at me, or say hurtful things to me. cause at least i know we're still talking. but not talking at all, doesn't feel so good or when i wait forever for you to reply, until i realize you arent. i guess thats what you're trying to do you, you probably know not talking is worse for me and that you wouldn't have to be involved in my life anymore. that hurts, to tell the truth.
my whole life has been overruled by my depressing thoughts and i'm slowly sleeping less and less and less and less. i'm down to a little less then six hours a day of sleep time now, and that sucks. i haven't even touched my backpack to start on hw yet and i'm becoming a disaster. i don't know what to do anymore. sure i'll start my hw, then after writing down one sentence i would stop cause....i don't even know what i do to stopor even why i stop. all i know is, i stop. which is also why i'm sleeping so late. i've lost my concentration and all of my aspirations for school. but i don't want it to be this way, i really don't. i guess thats how it is though. no matter how many times i've said it, i'm sorry for hurting you. i really don't know what else i can do for you to forgive me anymore.
i've ran out of directions, and i'm lost. i guess it really will turn out like this, the last thing i wanted.
my whole life has been overruled by my depressing thoughts and i'm slowly sleeping less and less and less and less. i'm down to a little less then six hours a day of sleep time now, and that sucks. i haven't even touched my backpack to start on hw yet and i'm becoming a disaster. i don't know what to do anymore. sure i'll start my hw, then after writing down one sentence i would stop cause....i don't even know what i do to stopor even why i stop. all i know is, i stop. which is also why i'm sleeping so late. i've lost my concentration and all of my aspirations for school. but i don't want it to be this way, i really don't. i guess thats how it is though. no matter how many times i've said it, i'm sorry for hurting you. i really don't know what else i can do for you to forgive me anymore.
i've ran out of directions, and i'm lost. i guess it really will turn out like this, the last thing i wanted.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
happy posts
i wonder why i never blog when i'm happy, yet i blog like crazy when i'm sad. i think i'm going to start blogging when i'm happy now too. notice, WHEN i'm happy. haha!i wonder how long will that take.
why should you forgive me?
i don't know, either. i wouldn't forgive myself if i were you too. and thats probably what pains me the most, knowing that i don't have a right to ask for your forgiveness. i don't have a right to say sorry and also when sorry is never going to be enough for you. But i really am hoping that your generous enough to give me that, forgiveness that is. I'm hoping you can be lenient with me and know that my true intentions aren't what you think it is. maybe if you could dig around in my heart, you'll realize. but thats not possible, which sucks. what i'm trying to say is, i know this kind of situation takes you time. but i don't have time, i have what they call impatience, fidgetness (is that a word?), stress balls, and tons of frustration. everything's not the same, i can't sleep at night and i can't stay awake in school. i can't focus on hw, and sometimes i feel like breaking down and just crying like a baby. I think i'm taking this in way too deeply, more than i'm supposed to. but, for all the things we went through, i don't want this to be a reason why we'll stop talking forever. families should always stick together, right? i guess not right to you.
i'd do anything in the world for you to tell me "its ok, i understand, just never ever do that again to me, ok?." i think i'd be the happiest person in the world if you said that haha. omg you sound like my bf or something m__i! i just always want to know that if i want to talk, you'd be there. if i want to just hang out, you'd be there. this doesn't mean that i'm just using you, its not. but you were always my support in tennis. you were always family, and most of all, we were mostly (if not always) on good terms.
anyways, moving on. i know you won't trust me like you did before, and thats gonna be a fact. but know that i'm stubborn just like you, and i'll never give up, ever. so you can count on me for that.
i'd do anything in the world for you to tell me "its ok, i understand, just never ever do that again to me, ok?." i think i'd be the happiest person in the world if you said that haha. omg you sound like my bf or something m__i! i just always want to know that if i want to talk, you'd be there. if i want to just hang out, you'd be there. this doesn't mean that i'm just using you, its not. but you were always my support in tennis. you were always family, and most of all, we were mostly (if not always) on good terms.
anyways, moving on. i know you won't trust me like you did before, and thats gonna be a fact. but know that i'm stubborn just like you, and i'll never give up, ever. so you can count on me for that.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
day one of waiting
waiting is hard, waiting takes patience. and frankly, i don't have patience even if my life depended on it. so, this is hard. harder then i thought it would be. 24 HOURS DOWN, 48 MORE TO GO. hopefully this "strategy" works, please, please make it work. T^T how many days does it take to say its ok? lets see.
Monday, September 27, 2010
so many postss
maybe i should get a tumblr or something, so i can rant and stuff a hundred times a day :D anyways....
i really wish that it didn't have to end this way, on such extremely bad terms. i tried my best to make anything or SOMETHING happen, for the better, but i guess it just didn't work out, right? wow, this sounds like i'm breaking up in a relationship, when i'm not. ANYWAYS, i've known you my whole entire life and i thought we were going to continue being a family sticking together during the good times and the bad times for the rest of our lives, but i guess thats not the case. and that pains me very much.
if i could wish for anything right now, it would be for you and me to be back to what we used to be and not what we are as of now. so i'm going to hope/imagine that a shooting star passed by. of course it won't be exactly like the wish i just made, or it won't come true and i'll be sad. but it'll be something similar to it.
i want to tell you that i've learned my lesson and that i'm eventually going to breaking down (if i haven't already) through whatever this thing is that we're going through, but its not like you would listen to me. its not like you'll give me a chance to explain myself in any way or form, because thats just the way you are. you stay angry at people for the longest time ever, and you never forgive no matter what they did, as long as they made you mad. does it really have to end like this though? is this what you've always wanted? well, its certainly not what i've always wanted or even EVER wanted but just realize that when you look back on this you'll know that i tried my best for me and you to be back to the way things were and that i really, truly didn't mean to do the things i did. i didn't mean to hurt you in any shape or form, i didn't mean for it to make things more complicated in our lives then it already is. it was something on the moment, i was extremely mad and ranting at whatever i could find and exaggerate it to the extreme. i took it the wrong way, your approach of teaching me, because i've always had to be suspicious in whatever you were doing for me, you always had to benefit one way or another. if its going with her, or enjoying a day out of your house, or even buying some new clothes and spending time to shop. i never knew how much you've been trying to help me, because its in a more harsher way than i thought it would be, so i didn't realize it until now that i rethink of everything thats happened. so, i'm sorry. i really am sorry.
but, when you remember years later this moment right now, we'd already haven't spoken to each other for decades and all this time would pass by where we weren't in each others lives. we haven't talked, haven't seen each other, and our lives have literally blinked past us just like that. thats what i'm most scared of though, its when i look back to this time and realize that i've made a terrible mistake thats going to haunt me forever. but what i won't have, that you would, is guilt. guilt that you didn't forgive easier, guilt that you let all this time pass by, guilt that you never listened to a single word of explanation that i tried telling you ten thousand times. you had ten thousand chances to even try to make things ok between you and me, and you lost them all.
i hope you don't read this ( you probably won't ) because you would get even more pissed. please just think from my point of view, at least once and see how i see the world. because this is somewhere i can rethink where i can just let everything out and if all of this was in me, i'd burst right this moment.
i really wish that it didn't have to end this way, on such extremely bad terms. i tried my best to make anything or SOMETHING happen, for the better, but i guess it just didn't work out, right? wow, this sounds like i'm breaking up in a relationship, when i'm not. ANYWAYS, i've known you my whole entire life and i thought we were going to continue being a family sticking together during the good times and the bad times for the rest of our lives, but i guess thats not the case. and that pains me very much.
if i could wish for anything right now, it would be for you and me to be back to what we used to be and not what we are as of now. so i'm going to hope/imagine that a shooting star passed by. of course it won't be exactly like the wish i just made, or it won't come true and i'll be sad. but it'll be something similar to it.
i want to tell you that i've learned my lesson and that i'm eventually going to breaking down (if i haven't already) through whatever this thing is that we're going through, but its not like you would listen to me. its not like you'll give me a chance to explain myself in any way or form, because thats just the way you are. you stay angry at people for the longest time ever, and you never forgive no matter what they did, as long as they made you mad. does it really have to end like this though? is this what you've always wanted? well, its certainly not what i've always wanted or even EVER wanted but just realize that when you look back on this you'll know that i tried my best for me and you to be back to the way things were and that i really, truly didn't mean to do the things i did. i didn't mean to hurt you in any shape or form, i didn't mean for it to make things more complicated in our lives then it already is. it was something on the moment, i was extremely mad and ranting at whatever i could find and exaggerate it to the extreme. i took it the wrong way, your approach of teaching me, because i've always had to be suspicious in whatever you were doing for me, you always had to benefit one way or another. if its going with her, or enjoying a day out of your house, or even buying some new clothes and spending time to shop. i never knew how much you've been trying to help me, because its in a more harsher way than i thought it would be, so i didn't realize it until now that i rethink of everything thats happened. so, i'm sorry. i really am sorry.
but, when you remember years later this moment right now, we'd already haven't spoken to each other for decades and all this time would pass by where we weren't in each others lives. we haven't talked, haven't seen each other, and our lives have literally blinked past us just like that. thats what i'm most scared of though, its when i look back to this time and realize that i've made a terrible mistake thats going to haunt me forever. but what i won't have, that you would, is guilt. guilt that you didn't forgive easier, guilt that you let all this time pass by, guilt that you never listened to a single word of explanation that i tried telling you ten thousand times. you had ten thousand chances to even try to make things ok between you and me, and you lost them all.
i hope you don't read this ( you probably won't ) because you would get even more pissed. please just think from my point of view, at least once and see how i see the world. because this is somewhere i can rethink where i can just let everything out and if all of this was in me, i'd burst right this moment.
my life in ruins
i don't know how to survive anymore. things are going downhill more worst then i've ever imagined that it would be.i was always able to go to you for help. i can't believe we're not talking. i just can't take it. it scares the shit out of me.
and now, i have no one to lean on, to ask for help about my conflicts or my life.i regret it so much, it feels like someone stabbing me in the heart over and over again. please forgive me, i know you're super pissed and i'm trying my best to get this message through but it just seems like you want to shun me out of your life forever, and i honestly don't think i could handle that. even if you don't like me as much as her or i'm not socially cool looking enough to be in any of your profile pictures like her i'm still family, right? people say, blood is thicker then water and i really hope that its true. i did something wrong, you did something wrong, can't we just forget about this. i did something worse of course, but i'm trying so hard to make things better and you're just not letting that happen. why do you have to hold in so much hate inside of you? i get so exhausted just for hating something for one day, and now i'm even more exhausted from being sad/hurt/angry and in pain for the past few days, i don't know how much longer i can last with this, so please, make it stop, i'm begging you.
and now, i have no one to lean on, to ask for help about my conflicts or my life.i regret it so much, it feels like someone stabbing me in the heart over and over again. please forgive me, i know you're super pissed and i'm trying my best to get this message through but it just seems like you want to shun me out of your life forever, and i honestly don't think i could handle that. even if you don't like me as much as her or i'm not socially cool looking enough to be in any of your profile pictures like her i'm still family, right? people say, blood is thicker then water and i really hope that its true. i did something wrong, you did something wrong, can't we just forget about this. i did something worse of course, but i'm trying so hard to make things better and you're just not letting that happen. why do you have to hold in so much hate inside of you? i get so exhausted just for hating something for one day, and now i'm even more exhausted from being sad/hurt/angry and in pain for the past few days, i don't know how much longer i can last with this, so please, make it stop, i'm begging you.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
naps, anyone?
i really need sleep time. sleep time makes me happy :) man, i wish the days were longer with more hours. i can sleep more, and i would have more time to do hw! which is what i'm supposed to be doing right now, but thats ok ;) every single minute of every single day i only want to do one thing, and thats sleep. SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP, thats all i can think of! and the occasional thought of food.yeah, so i need to do hw faster so i can sleep more! speaking of that....i need to do hw. haha. ok byee.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
its been a while
a long while. if that even made sense...a long while? whatever. so its been like two months since i last blogged, i believe? my depression level has finally dropped to an all time low. i just tried out for jv tennis,i made it, and then i got kicked off for an unjust reason, and thats been making me cry a lot. i don't even get why i'm crying, i just feel like i've been wronged. i went through so much just to play tennis, just to tryout, just to practice with my friends, and now this is what i get? it just doesn't seem right. it really doesnt. i now have no more interest in school, there's nothing i'm looking forward too and i don't even know what to do to get my interest back to where it belongs.i think that last year has been too good to me, too great to me, so now this year feels like shit. it feels as if this year will compare nothing to my previous year and i was so looking forward for this year to be even better. i honestly wish i could tell myself everything's okay and that i can deal with it, but i can't, because everything's not okay and i really can't deal with it. the only reason i haven't been blogging was because everything wasn't that great in those two awful months. so if i wrote it down, i know i would've felt worse. who wouldn't, if they're reflecting everything crappy in their life, and then realizing all of the crappy stuff they have? needless to say....wait, what does that even mean? needless to say...hmmm. ANYWAYS, i've finally decided to blog, because i know i have to let it all out, even if it means tearing up while typing this for the reason that i'll feel better. hopefully tomorrow will be a good day because tomorrow's my last hope. i'm going to hope
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