i think that i'm so depressed with this, and its just because i just feel so guilty. i feel so sickened by myself. i want us to be ok again, to make it all right between us, but to also make me feel at least a tiny bit better because you forgave me, and everythings ok in the world and we're still family. i don't feel good. i feel so...so greedy for thinking this way. i just can't get this icky feeling off of me; i did something wrong. i did something terrible. but the worst part is, i'm not forgiven for it. i'm not living the way i used to. thats so selfish and i don't want myself thinking this way. but its human nature, i mean, what can i do about that? i can't help it for feeling/thinking this way.
i know thats not like my extreme main reason for being forgiven. so maybe 0.1% selfishness. which is already enough for me to be disappointed in myself. thats so selfish, ughhhhhh. stop being selfish, vivian! stop being so emo, and actually start your hw.
and its also because i want to be able to live my old life again, where nothing extremely bad is going on, so much as to effect my life 24/7. where i would only listen to music and not just surf the web for hours and hours because i can't start on my hw. where i would study for a long period of time, and where i actually stopped procastinating.
who knew this would do that to me? who knew it would break me down.
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