COMPS

they're coming up pretty soon, and i'm kind of nervous cause comps make me feel like my grades are just so unstable :( oh yeah, and i also lost my doubles three spot because of one damn point ;( i shall rechallenge tomorrow :D ANYWAYS, i'm trying to study, but my mind keeps drifting off into la la land. i am determined to study now ADIOS!

i don't feel like blogging

but i'll still blog. cause i haven't blogged in a couple days, so i feel weird.
i'm currently doubles three, YAYYY :) hee hee. we played st. margarets the other day, and i lost all three games haah :( but one of them was a tiebreaker! too bad one of the girls was gwbb so i got distracted ;D and today we played cerritos, they were freaking good. :( so i lost my first two games 1-6, actually the whole doubles team lost their first two games 1-6, ahhaha, everyone got churroed :D i dont' like getting churroed :( but since they were winning by so much, they put in their subs to play against us so i won my third game 6-1 yeahhhhhhhhhhh! hee hee, i feel good cause i asked one of them how long they played and she said a year ;D happy happy.

good day.

sometimes i just want to stop time, and take a breather.

volunteer work.

do i really do volunteer work out of the goodness of my heart? or is it cause of making myself look better on college apps. i really don't know. initially, it was from the goodness of my heart. volunteering was just something i would want to do, not something i would do for my transcripts. i've always thought that way, until i realized, what if i did all of this volunteer work, without recognition of all the hours i spent? would i be ok with that? i'm not very sure, and truth is, that disturbs me. why WOULDN'T i be ok with that? am i selfish? i don't know.

i WOULD still do volunteer work, if it didn't show up on my college, but would i do just as much as i would do if it were on a college app? or would i do less hours and not spend so much time thinking about volunteering, or think about ways to stand out in a pile of college applications hoping to get chosen to the best of the best schools. ever since i've got into whitney, i've felt very pressured. pressured to succeed, pressured to get good grades,pressured to be a good student, and eventually get into a good college. i'm scared at the fact that i won't make it into my dream college and so i strive to stand out. i strive to do things no one's ever done. i strive to be a student that every college would be looking for. and i feel very selfish for it. volunteering shouldn't be about whether or not you look good to a certain college, its supposed come from your absolute sincerity. some spare free time you would have to volunteer in your community and make the world, a better place.

i'm frustrated.

my legs are sore ;(

its been a while since i ran.

western day

was not that good. hehe. the bangers are getting smaller and smaller. dianna found an onion skin in her lemonade! its not worth three dollars anymore. they probably made them for 1 dollar and are now selling for three dollars?! there weren't any warrants either, i was kind of wanting to buy some warrants this year for the first time, but i guess not. and the petting zoo...wasn't even a petting zoo! the chickens were weird looking and there were ducks there, the ones you see everywhere at like a pond or whatever! but tennis was really fun (maybe cause coach dan was like fifty minutes late ;D) and i was the only one that brought a tennis ball so we used it to play a game and i really really wanted to keep that tennis ball because all of my teammates have played with it but it got mixed up into coach dan's balls when he came! >:O i'm so mad. tennis was kind of tiring though cause it was hot when we started playing tennis so when i went home i accidentally fell asleep on my bed for one and a half hours. hehe woops. then i watched some tv, ate, then slept again :D good times.

p.s. i won a lot of points during tennis :D yayyyyyyyyyyy!

who's the loser? me.

i keep losing things a lot. i feel so disappointed in myself
whether its my watch, water bottle or lunchpale i've never really lost anything. until this year i started becoming more careless and i don't know why. i need to break into my habit of looking back whenever i leave someplace again, seriously. i feel so worried everytime i don't have something and then i get out of focus and all i'm wondering is "what if i never see that thing ever again?" every single thing of mine is important, every. single. thing. so starting from tomorrow i will have to repeatedly remind myself to look back where i was whenever i leave some place! i don't want to keep losing things and disappoint my parents twenty four seven because it really really sucks how i'm telling them how much of an irresponsible girl i am. i need to keep reminding myself and hopefully it will work.

i feel so disappointed in myself,

for letting you down.

tennis

it makes my brain hurt. my brain is a fragile thing, you see. and sometimes it acts on its own and doesn't like to listen to me. tennis is extremely hard. :( i keep screwing up cause i have bad timing and i have an awful habit of breaking out my wrist..so the ball goes wayyyy high. :( sad sad skills i have. i just wish i had more time. more time to practice or to gain skills and get used to tennis, i wish i started a sport earlier because i feel so behind from everyone else. everyone has some special skill in tennis and i don't. it really sucks.
i'm also jealous of all those people that blog really well. like, they have so much strength and power in their blogs. they also have really good writing techniques, it makes me feel stupid, and plain. also all those really really reallyyy deep stuff. when i finish reading it, i just go like, whoa that was a really good blog. i feel dumb now.

i don't expect things to get better, but i'm not saying i don't want them to be better.

gooooood day

overall, today was not that bad. except that 83 in history! aghhh. there's always a test result here and there to ruin my perfect day. haha, WHICH, reminds me that i have to study uber hard for my next spanish test tomorrow! i'm so scared now haha, i'm also scared i might pee in my pants for being so scared haahahahah! sigh. i'm so lame.....ok awkward moment....

i think i've smiled a lot today, thats good. i'm gradually but slowly getting used to school again haha after one month of it. i'm used to my schedule and i know what to do here and there so i won't be late. and i also know when to pay attention....and when i can doze off haha! oooh more sleep. i should keep this blog short. anyways, i have an oxford game tomorrow and i just lost my challenge against the doubles one that i won against previously. but we can challenge them again tomorrow. hopefully we'll win. cause i'm so sad we lost today, they got better. they know some of our weaknesses here and there now. so i need to focus and focus and.....FOCUS! i can't lose it. and i need to be ready at all times. LETS. DO. THIS!

i'm tired of this.

seriously. i keeping fretting about the past and all of my mistakes i've made. i keep lingering in what could've been and what would've been. but truthfully, i'm getting sick of it. because of all thats going on in my head, i can never really live in the present, and enjoy my life the way it is. if you can't even forgive me after i said sorry too many times to count, or even understand for me that i didn't mean what i said and i certainly didn't mean to hurt you in any way because i would've never ever said something like that if i wasn't in that exact moment of rage over something else, then i guess there's nothing i could do about it. if you tell me, i'll do whatever it takes just for you to say to me "allright". i'll even fly up into space, and give you the moon.(that was a really lame version of the actual quote.) but, i've tried way too hard for it to be what it was like, or at least a bit of what it was like. i've gone through too much pain, and too many tears to continue in this because if you don't really need me in your life, then how come i do? it just doesn't make sense. you can't tell me i haven't tried my hardest, because i really have. you don't know how much i go through, just to belong. just to even seem like a part of this bond of you and her or whatever it even is. but in the end, no matter how much you deny it, hate it, despise it, or go against it, we'll always be family. its just fact.

and, for what happened between us,

i'm sorry.

RAISE THE ROOF FESTIVAL ;)

oooh, my uncle just called me (random moment) then for a second i heard your voice, and i just got really sad. sigh. sad timing. or maybe that wasn't you and i was just being delusional, it happens quite often whether i like it or not. MOVING ON....

the festival itself wasn't that fun, but the day was. :D there weren't that many things to do, and the festival looked really really empty. but i volunteered at the biggest and most complicated moon bounce, that was cool because there was this super duper cute girl there that went in and she wanted someone to go down the big slide with her :D. i kept on getting scared that she was gonna fall so yeah i kept carrying her (even though she was a bit heavy, my buffness can handle it :D jk jk) she was soo cute. and when cindy went with her, we found out her name was clementine and she was three :D hee hee. then after volunteering at the moon bounce, we went back to cindy's house to bake paul's birthday cake. i must say, i am proud of myself for baking that cake ;D it was my first time and it was successful. i didn't know what to do but thats ok, cause in the end it actually looked pretty good, along with the graham crackers saying "happy birthday paul <3, vc" then we walked back to give it to him and according to him, it tasted good :D after that we ran to the kogi truck to wait in line, and karen cheng was there....muahhhahaa, you know what that means :D but the line was so long so i told karen i would get her something to drink while she was in line. we got a strawberry smoothie that was a complete and total rip off, but i guess thats ok. the taco short rib was way more tinier than i expected, but it tasted sooooo good. since the taco was too small, me and cindy shared a jyro...or gyro...whatever. BUT its pronounced euro. it was good too! although i wouldve wanted some more tomatoes. hmmm..what was next....OH right we went inside cause it was too hot, and then after i went out again with karen to use up her left over tickets, we went on the moon bounce for like ten minutes, i sat there half the time, cause it was cooler than the outside, hehe. anyhoo, karen got dizzy from the moon bounce. and i accidentally stepped on her toes coming out, hee hee woopsies. afterwards, i wrote some time capsule things and then we went back again to cindy's house since it was too hot and too boring to just stay inside school the whole time. i watched twenty minutes worth of seventeen again. i was so mad cause i had to leave so i barely missed the part where he gets beat up by the jock! sigh. ohwells. i went home, showered, ate, and then slept for twelve hours. haha! overall yesterday was so freaking fun. i need more of those days, seriously. :D
p.s. banana looked really cute yesterday, hee hee. sigh, too bad theres no chance of him liking me. its allright ;)

ST. MARGARETSSSSS

was beautiful! the place, i mean. i think it was in san clemente which was super duper far (which is what made it so fun hee hee) not to mention the bus driver got lost :D that took up a good fifteen minutes. hee hee. they had like thirty courts, on a hill so it was like this huge freaking maze. IT WAS SOOOO FUN i wanna go there again. and plus when you're in the building, you can see the beach. hee hee. the pool was pretty too. hee hee. me and dianna went ballistic and we ran all over that place. muahhahaha. there WAS one bad thing though, there were these little gnats or whatever that kept flying in front of your face, or they ran into your leg... i screamed a lot. hee.... ANYWAYS i was an extra, once again, sigh. but thats ok, both my knees were screwed up anyways. we ended up playing another extra from st. margarets and won 6-4. at first we were losing 2-4 cause i was not caring, along with my hurting knees, so i was doing all the wacko hits. and yeppp. i was going loco. that was probably the most fun part :D anyways, we realized we were gonna lose, so we started getting serious and won the rest of the games, 40-love. i was proud of myself, heheh. and then one of the girls cried. it was kind of weird. i mean, its just a game, there are gonna be many other games throughout your season, it doesn't mean you're gonna cry everytime you lose. even though we lost like 4-14 for the league, i heard the ladder people for st. margarets were super good, i kind of wanted to try playing them. its allright, haha. the ride home was fun! i slept on the bus for half an hour or so cause my legs were sore, and then spent the rest of the time talking with the team cause there was a lot of traffic so going home took longer. and cindy kim had dukbokki to share with me :D it tasted so good! they were so impressed that i knew it was dukbokki, hehe. then i went home and slept for nine hours. good day :D

debates

i'm kind of debating about whether or not i should keep this blog, or if i should buy a journal and write in it everyday. then again i'm not sure if i have time to write in a journal daily, like i can typing online. i'm still not really definite on what i'm gonna do yet though.

so much hw today >:O

and i'm freaking sleepy, yet here i am blogging, about how sleepy i am. haha! i had soo much hw today, i'm exhausted man. and its so hard moving up and down from place to place to. it hurts like crap. shhh, don't tell a tennis teammate. its past midnight and i still haven't studied english 52 vocab words yet! aghhhh. thats ok, i shall study tomorrow morning. and i really wanna ace this test, but nothing shall transfer to my brain at this time, even if i did study. ok no more writing stuff down, i shall sleep now. G'NIGHT!

my right knee is screwed

ahhhhhh nooooooo. it hurts to bend down now :( hmmphhhh

HOLDING A GRUDGE IS LETTING SOMEONE LIVE RENT-FREE IN YOUR HEAD

ooooooooh if only this were true to everyone on this planet.

ooooh one more thing

there's a crean lutheran game tomorrow! which, i am not so excited anymore since i'm not in that ladder :( super sad face. sigh. ok thats ok, i'll just practice the whole time. adios!

:( :)

today was a sad day. i lost my doubles one spot :( haha. BOOOOOOOOOOOOO i'm fairly disappointed in myself because i kept thinking i would lose, so i did end up losing. this is why you have to have faith, people! sigh. oh yeah and i got a decent score on my science and math test :D except for that d in spanish test :( DOUBLE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i didnt study for that spanish test. but i still have an a, so its ok. i'll study a lot harder from here on out. and then after school, i had a really fun time with friends just talking about a guessing game of code games :D and something else too. haha. overall, it was a very good and very bad day at the same time haha

broken sandal :(

today karen stepped on the back of my sandal and now the middle is ripped in half :( :( :( :( :( they were my favorite pair! aghhh, karen >:O i shall forever hold a grudge on her, i was walking weird for the whole day today! :( and it was like this weird flip flop with extra straps on the side or something. hmmph. KAREN! GET READY TO BE BEAT UP TOMORROW. muahahahhah :D
i totally screwed up all of my tests today,except science obviously. but despite the fact that i totallyy bombed them, i didn't feel that sad today. i dont' know why, it was really really really weird.

it rained today!

that means no game, yayy. but it also means i had to stay at school until 5:20 :( boooooo. and i only did a tiny bit of hw. that was not on the plan, haha. well, actually i did try to study and everything, but i was really tired. my eyes would not cooperate. the words just looked like a blurred mess. i hate it when my brain does that. half of my brain pressures me on to study, then the other half doesn't LET me study and always dozes me off onto another topic. and i realized thats what happened, two hours later. -_____________-

being a somebody

this path month or so, i don't want to be somebody. or more like A somebody. i feel like being a nobody. i feel like being a nerd and becoming an outcast (do NOT say i already am!) but i mean, i don't feel like trying in anything i do. i just want to shut up and not talk in school and i feel like just, sitting there. i don't want to do what others do just to maintain their social life or what they do so that they'll be "cool", and i've never tried that before in the first place. i don't want to think of all these "witty" comments when my friends say something or those "cool" sayings that everyone likes on facebook. or all of those meaningful sayings/quotes people come up with. i just don't want to try anymore. maybe i'm just being emo for the moment.

worries

i don't know why but today and yesterday there's always something that's been on my mind..i just don't know what. its something that SHOULD be on my mind and that i should be worrying about, but what is it? what is this thing that would make me fret? and i just realized a couple hours ago that i didn't even know what i was worrying about, then i felt stupid. you worry about something for two days, and you don't even know what it is that you're worrying about. i feel a bit exhausted. and whats weird is, i shouldnt be. i slept for nine hours yet i was so tired today, even more than when i slept for less than six hours. thats really weird and it doesn't even make sense. i'm still gonna try to sleep more though :)

sick tummy :(

so today my stomach hurt, a lot. and it was excruciatingg pain like there were some points of the day where i was so thankful i was in a chair and it wasn't a hallway pass, cause i wouldn't have been able to move. literally. it hurt like the whole day and i have no idea why but maybe its just because i ate something bad, or i didn't drink enough water (most likely i didn't drink enough water). either way, i don't want to go through that again, especially during a game or something!i think i would faint if i played a game and my stomach hurt. i would probably forfeit and say sorry to my doubles partner.
anywayss, it was raining today so that meant no tennis/challenge, yayyyy! i hope it doesn't rain tomorrow, cause i wanna play :D

flashbacks and dreams

yesterday i had a flashback of when you told me you weren't eating. that you just ate one big meal per day. i'm not gonna exaggerate here, i was very worried. i don't know why but i knew that this wasn't good and i didn't want you to just stop eating all together and start having all sorts of eating disorders where you're so used to starving that you won't be able to eat anymore and that i felt like this was a serious problem. i'm gonna stop talking about this issue, it still scares me, to this day.

i had a dream...that you forgave me. that you told me everything was ok and that you told me i can never ever do that again and i said that i won't. i was extremely happy and then a week after (still in my dream) you asked me to go to ontario mills with you again and before i could even say yes...i woke up. then i got even more depressed, i was just dreaming. it was just a dream. a dream so significant to me that i wouldve been happy if i stayed in that dream. it was a short but somehow elongated dream. if thats even possible. it felt like a long dream but whatever happened was just, quick. i woke up disappointed in myself for dreaming that, i thought to myself "why'd you dream of that? you're just bringing yourself up, and ended up falling harder." so why, why did i dream of that? i don't even know. and now what confuses me the most is, would i want to dream something like that again? i'm torn between this issue. its not like i ever have repeating dreams, but, if i did...would i?

SAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHOOOOOOPP WHOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! man the sage game on friday was oh so fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i loved it. i realized how much that a game depends on communication, team work, and encouraging each other to continue, no matter what the conditions are. so i challenged doubles one on friday and i was about to pee in my pants >:O but we wonn, 3-1 !!!!!!!!!! WHOOO HOOO! i was so happy and terrified and excited and ballistic all at once! so playing against sage's doubles one, was extremely scary. they had really good shots and sometimes they hit extremely fast cross court shots that i can't reach. BUT WE MANAGED THROUGH...and lost :( hahah 6-7!i tried my best and even though we lost, i'm incredibllyy proud of me and my partner! that game lasted for 1 hour and 20 minuts! they played for like three years or something :( anywayss, our game against doubles two was kind of creepy. there was the blonde girl that kept smiling and she was wearing glasses and she just stood there..smiling. it gave me goosebumps. so i tried not looking at her. she had extreemeeellyyy good backhands though! so i stopped hitting to her backhand, haha. and the other one had like an australian accent or something, so i couldn't even understand her when she said the score. we started out losing 0-2, cause i was still so depressed about the tiebreaker that we played previously but we both encouraged each other and told each other to stop thinking about the tiebreaker. so we won, 6-3! :D and then with doubles three, i accidentally hit the girl on her sunglasses, and the glasses kind of bounced off her face...hehe...woopsies! i said sorry like a lot though. it was the very last game for singles and doubles, so my whole team and the whole sage team was watching us. i was like, shaking! but we won 6-3 or 6-2 :) cause i'm not sure, i was too scared so i diddn't remember, hehe. YAYYY but we're being challenged again by the doubles one team we beat on monday :( so HOPEFULLY we'll still be doubles one, but i'm not sure.

overall i'm really really really happy and suprised. i think why we did so good was because we communicated, and understood each other. and each time we lost a point or something we told each other that it was ok. but i know that i had you in my mind through all of my three games, i won for you. i won because i knew i had to put everything you told me to use because i'll never get the chance to hear all of the things you've taught me and told me to look out for ever again. sigh. this wasn't supposed to end on a sad note.