goodbye.

before i stop using my blog, i'd like to say goodbye. i think i'm gonna start using a diary or something because using this blog makes me fidget too much. you've been good to me blog. been there for me when i needed to vent out into nothingness. i won't forget it. and for now,

adios.

hi there,

i wonder when i'll get enough courage.
-enough courage to finally get my ass to your house and say "can we at least talk this over"
-to talk to you, call you, im you, even see you again
-to tell some people my piece of mind
-to say to you "hey, whats up" and start talking about random stuff
-maybe ask you why sometimes you ignore me in the hallways, as if we don't know each other
-and lastly, enough courage to not care about other people's views on me

everything happens for a reason.

so where's my reason?

WELL,

that was heartbreaking.

one more sidenote,

dear ________,
you've taught me well. you've taught me what an ass i really am, and how cocky i was. i've learned. i've learned why you love tennis so much, and why you need it so much. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for being the ignorant little girl, who knows nothing about life nor knowing anything about tennis.

i guess i don't deserve you being here for me when i need you anymore. nor do i deserve your words of advice, even when i need it the most.

i hate how our whole family is just stubborn. stubborn stubborn stubborn, full of grudges, full of locked hearts without a key to open it ever again. i've lost yet another key, and i don't think i'll ever get it back.

you're living just fine without me, and probably haven't thought twice about me ever since. there's so many things i would've liked to tell you. so many things i've wanted to share with you. like how whether or not i want to admit it, a part of me does miss you, very much. or all the things i've experienced in my first season of tennis. or, all the things we've been through and how its been in our lives. am i going well? are you going well? anything you're happy for? anything you're sad for? so many questions that will be left unanswered, put away, accumulating dust over time, and slowly breaking down to ashes. i've grasped one thing though

once trust is lost, it'll never come back.

i hope the best of everything to you.
with all my love,
vivian

one tennis season down, three more to go.

actually, i'm SUPPOSED to be at my away game at rosary right at this moment, on the bus, with my team all excited to play. but, that ain't happening. they cancelled on our game :( i swear, we had like five cancelled games this season, it sucks. a waste of my money paying for those game's gas fees and court fees! >:O whatever. the season was still fun either way.
i got to say, tennis season has been a lot more incredible then i would've ever imagined it would be. (not the fact that i wasn't on the ladder as much as i would've wanted, but i wasn't expecting to be on the ladder at all) i've realized how much tennis has dominated my life in the past three months. its all i'm really looking forward too on the weekends, or on game days, or challenge days. i can now understand what people see in sports, they see another seperate little family that stick together, no matter what. i've bonded with my jv team so much, i honestly cannot wait for next year's season to begin. speaking of next year's season.....varsity tryouts? holy crap. i can't believe the amount of self confidence i felt in the beginning of tennis. i didn't know where i was in tennis, i didn't know that there are far more people better than me out there. i'm hoping, wishing upon that tiny little star somewhere far in the galaxy, to make it. but i'm pretty sure i'm not. i realize how much i've missed out and how much i regret not starting tennis earlier. everyone has years of advantage, years of experience, and years of learning than me. i envy them. i envy how familiar they are with tennis and i haven't known even half of it. jv team is really fun though, except next year, many of the people i would've wanted to see are probably not taking tennis again, and that makes me sad. wow this is getting long.
of course i won't miss it like crazy, because i am going to be glad that i won't come home so late anymore, and that i would be able to talk to my friends more and have more time to study. speaking of studying....ahem ahem.
here come's daily tennis practice with my partner, in hope that we both get better by next year. i'm looking forward to them. i really hope that we can be good partners to practice with as well as on the courts during games next year, more than we already are. lets, do this.
one little side note to my partner:
dear doubles partner,
i really couldn't have asked more, nor think of any other parter better than you to partner up with. you've really been there for me, through my rants, through my tempers, through the losses, and through the wins. i can't express enough how i enjoyed being your partner, and sorry if i disappointed you at times where i wasn't playing to the best of my abilities. i've grown to love tennis so much with you, and i am really grateful you haven't shown the least worried when we lose. you're always optimistic when i'm not, and you always tell me its ok, even if its not. i know you'll always have my back in tennis, and that we'll both strive to become, the best doubles partners in the world.
with sincerity,
Vivian<3

so tired :(

i don't know why, but my eyes are really droopy today. on the bright side, i'll be coming home early tomorrow, and i came home early today too, yayy :) because there were no challenges, sigh. but coach dan is choosing his ladder people, i hope i'm in the ladder ;D but at the same time...i hope i'm not cause i would have a comp on the day after. sigh.

COMPS

they're coming up pretty soon, and i'm kind of nervous cause comps make me feel like my grades are just so unstable :( oh yeah, and i also lost my doubles three spot because of one damn point ;( i shall rechallenge tomorrow :D ANYWAYS, i'm trying to study, but my mind keeps drifting off into la la land. i am determined to study now ADIOS!

i don't feel like blogging

but i'll still blog. cause i haven't blogged in a couple days, so i feel weird.
i'm currently doubles three, YAYYY :) hee hee. we played st. margarets the other day, and i lost all three games haah :( but one of them was a tiebreaker! too bad one of the girls was gwbb so i got distracted ;D and today we played cerritos, they were freaking good. :( so i lost my first two games 1-6, actually the whole doubles team lost their first two games 1-6, ahhaha, everyone got churroed :D i dont' like getting churroed :( but since they were winning by so much, they put in their subs to play against us so i won my third game 6-1 yeahhhhhhhhhhh! hee hee, i feel good cause i asked one of them how long they played and she said a year ;D happy happy.

good day.

sometimes i just want to stop time, and take a breather.

volunteer work.

do i really do volunteer work out of the goodness of my heart? or is it cause of making myself look better on college apps. i really don't know. initially, it was from the goodness of my heart. volunteering was just something i would want to do, not something i would do for my transcripts. i've always thought that way, until i realized, what if i did all of this volunteer work, without recognition of all the hours i spent? would i be ok with that? i'm not very sure, and truth is, that disturbs me. why WOULDN'T i be ok with that? am i selfish? i don't know.

i WOULD still do volunteer work, if it didn't show up on my college, but would i do just as much as i would do if it were on a college app? or would i do less hours and not spend so much time thinking about volunteering, or think about ways to stand out in a pile of college applications hoping to get chosen to the best of the best schools. ever since i've got into whitney, i've felt very pressured. pressured to succeed, pressured to get good grades,pressured to be a good student, and eventually get into a good college. i'm scared at the fact that i won't make it into my dream college and so i strive to stand out. i strive to do things no one's ever done. i strive to be a student that every college would be looking for. and i feel very selfish for it. volunteering shouldn't be about whether or not you look good to a certain college, its supposed come from your absolute sincerity. some spare free time you would have to volunteer in your community and make the world, a better place.

i'm frustrated.

my legs are sore ;(

its been a while since i ran.

western day

was not that good. hehe. the bangers are getting smaller and smaller. dianna found an onion skin in her lemonade! its not worth three dollars anymore. they probably made them for 1 dollar and are now selling for three dollars?! there weren't any warrants either, i was kind of wanting to buy some warrants this year for the first time, but i guess not. and the petting zoo...wasn't even a petting zoo! the chickens were weird looking and there were ducks there, the ones you see everywhere at like a pond or whatever! but tennis was really fun (maybe cause coach dan was like fifty minutes late ;D) and i was the only one that brought a tennis ball so we used it to play a game and i really really wanted to keep that tennis ball because all of my teammates have played with it but it got mixed up into coach dan's balls when he came! >:O i'm so mad. tennis was kind of tiring though cause it was hot when we started playing tennis so when i went home i accidentally fell asleep on my bed for one and a half hours. hehe woops. then i watched some tv, ate, then slept again :D good times.

p.s. i won a lot of points during tennis :D yayyyyyyyyyyy!

who's the loser? me.

i keep losing things a lot. i feel so disappointed in myself
whether its my watch, water bottle or lunchpale i've never really lost anything. until this year i started becoming more careless and i don't know why. i need to break into my habit of looking back whenever i leave someplace again, seriously. i feel so worried everytime i don't have something and then i get out of focus and all i'm wondering is "what if i never see that thing ever again?" every single thing of mine is important, every. single. thing. so starting from tomorrow i will have to repeatedly remind myself to look back where i was whenever i leave some place! i don't want to keep losing things and disappoint my parents twenty four seven because it really really sucks how i'm telling them how much of an irresponsible girl i am. i need to keep reminding myself and hopefully it will work.

i feel so disappointed in myself,

for letting you down.

tennis

it makes my brain hurt. my brain is a fragile thing, you see. and sometimes it acts on its own and doesn't like to listen to me. tennis is extremely hard. :( i keep screwing up cause i have bad timing and i have an awful habit of breaking out my wrist..so the ball goes wayyyy high. :( sad sad skills i have. i just wish i had more time. more time to practice or to gain skills and get used to tennis, i wish i started a sport earlier because i feel so behind from everyone else. everyone has some special skill in tennis and i don't. it really sucks.
i'm also jealous of all those people that blog really well. like, they have so much strength and power in their blogs. they also have really good writing techniques, it makes me feel stupid, and plain. also all those really really reallyyy deep stuff. when i finish reading it, i just go like, whoa that was a really good blog. i feel dumb now.

i don't expect things to get better, but i'm not saying i don't want them to be better.

gooooood day

overall, today was not that bad. except that 83 in history! aghhh. there's always a test result here and there to ruin my perfect day. haha, WHICH, reminds me that i have to study uber hard for my next spanish test tomorrow! i'm so scared now haha, i'm also scared i might pee in my pants for being so scared haahahahah! sigh. i'm so lame.....ok awkward moment....

i think i've smiled a lot today, thats good. i'm gradually but slowly getting used to school again haha after one month of it. i'm used to my schedule and i know what to do here and there so i won't be late. and i also know when to pay attention....and when i can doze off haha! oooh more sleep. i should keep this blog short. anyways, i have an oxford game tomorrow and i just lost my challenge against the doubles one that i won against previously. but we can challenge them again tomorrow. hopefully we'll win. cause i'm so sad we lost today, they got better. they know some of our weaknesses here and there now. so i need to focus and focus and.....FOCUS! i can't lose it. and i need to be ready at all times. LETS. DO. THIS!

i'm tired of this.

seriously. i keeping fretting about the past and all of my mistakes i've made. i keep lingering in what could've been and what would've been. but truthfully, i'm getting sick of it. because of all thats going on in my head, i can never really live in the present, and enjoy my life the way it is. if you can't even forgive me after i said sorry too many times to count, or even understand for me that i didn't mean what i said and i certainly didn't mean to hurt you in any way because i would've never ever said something like that if i wasn't in that exact moment of rage over something else, then i guess there's nothing i could do about it. if you tell me, i'll do whatever it takes just for you to say to me "allright". i'll even fly up into space, and give you the moon.(that was a really lame version of the actual quote.) but, i've tried way too hard for it to be what it was like, or at least a bit of what it was like. i've gone through too much pain, and too many tears to continue in this because if you don't really need me in your life, then how come i do? it just doesn't make sense. you can't tell me i haven't tried my hardest, because i really have. you don't know how much i go through, just to belong. just to even seem like a part of this bond of you and her or whatever it even is. but in the end, no matter how much you deny it, hate it, despise it, or go against it, we'll always be family. its just fact.

and, for what happened between us,

i'm sorry.

RAISE THE ROOF FESTIVAL ;)

oooh, my uncle just called me (random moment) then for a second i heard your voice, and i just got really sad. sigh. sad timing. or maybe that wasn't you and i was just being delusional, it happens quite often whether i like it or not. MOVING ON....

the festival itself wasn't that fun, but the day was. :D there weren't that many things to do, and the festival looked really really empty. but i volunteered at the biggest and most complicated moon bounce, that was cool because there was this super duper cute girl there that went in and she wanted someone to go down the big slide with her :D. i kept on getting scared that she was gonna fall so yeah i kept carrying her (even though she was a bit heavy, my buffness can handle it :D jk jk) she was soo cute. and when cindy went with her, we found out her name was clementine and she was three :D hee hee. then after volunteering at the moon bounce, we went back to cindy's house to bake paul's birthday cake. i must say, i am proud of myself for baking that cake ;D it was my first time and it was successful. i didn't know what to do but thats ok, cause in the end it actually looked pretty good, along with the graham crackers saying "happy birthday paul <3, vc" then we walked back to give it to him and according to him, it tasted good :D after that we ran to the kogi truck to wait in line, and karen cheng was there....muahhhahaa, you know what that means :D but the line was so long so i told karen i would get her something to drink while she was in line. we got a strawberry smoothie that was a complete and total rip off, but i guess thats ok. the taco short rib was way more tinier than i expected, but it tasted sooooo good. since the taco was too small, me and cindy shared a jyro...or gyro...whatever. BUT its pronounced euro. it was good too! although i wouldve wanted some more tomatoes. hmmm..what was next....OH right we went inside cause it was too hot, and then after i went out again with karen to use up her left over tickets, we went on the moon bounce for like ten minutes, i sat there half the time, cause it was cooler than the outside, hehe. anyhoo, karen got dizzy from the moon bounce. and i accidentally stepped on her toes coming out, hee hee woopsies. afterwards, i wrote some time capsule things and then we went back again to cindy's house since it was too hot and too boring to just stay inside school the whole time. i watched twenty minutes worth of seventeen again. i was so mad cause i had to leave so i barely missed the part where he gets beat up by the jock! sigh. ohwells. i went home, showered, ate, and then slept for twelve hours. haha! overall yesterday was so freaking fun. i need more of those days, seriously. :D
p.s. banana looked really cute yesterday, hee hee. sigh, too bad theres no chance of him liking me. its allright ;)

ST. MARGARETSSSSS

was beautiful! the place, i mean. i think it was in san clemente which was super duper far (which is what made it so fun hee hee) not to mention the bus driver got lost :D that took up a good fifteen minutes. hee hee. they had like thirty courts, on a hill so it was like this huge freaking maze. IT WAS SOOOO FUN i wanna go there again. and plus when you're in the building, you can see the beach. hee hee. the pool was pretty too. hee hee. me and dianna went ballistic and we ran all over that place. muahhahaha. there WAS one bad thing though, there were these little gnats or whatever that kept flying in front of your face, or they ran into your leg... i screamed a lot. hee.... ANYWAYS i was an extra, once again, sigh. but thats ok, both my knees were screwed up anyways. we ended up playing another extra from st. margarets and won 6-4. at first we were losing 2-4 cause i was not caring, along with my hurting knees, so i was doing all the wacko hits. and yeppp. i was going loco. that was probably the most fun part :D anyways, we realized we were gonna lose, so we started getting serious and won the rest of the games, 40-love. i was proud of myself, heheh. and then one of the girls cried. it was kind of weird. i mean, its just a game, there are gonna be many other games throughout your season, it doesn't mean you're gonna cry everytime you lose. even though we lost like 4-14 for the league, i heard the ladder people for st. margarets were super good, i kind of wanted to try playing them. its allright, haha. the ride home was fun! i slept on the bus for half an hour or so cause my legs were sore, and then spent the rest of the time talking with the team cause there was a lot of traffic so going home took longer. and cindy kim had dukbokki to share with me :D it tasted so good! they were so impressed that i knew it was dukbokki, hehe. then i went home and slept for nine hours. good day :D

debates

i'm kind of debating about whether or not i should keep this blog, or if i should buy a journal and write in it everyday. then again i'm not sure if i have time to write in a journal daily, like i can typing online. i'm still not really definite on what i'm gonna do yet though.

so much hw today >:O

and i'm freaking sleepy, yet here i am blogging, about how sleepy i am. haha! i had soo much hw today, i'm exhausted man. and its so hard moving up and down from place to place to. it hurts like crap. shhh, don't tell a tennis teammate. its past midnight and i still haven't studied english 52 vocab words yet! aghhhh. thats ok, i shall study tomorrow morning. and i really wanna ace this test, but nothing shall transfer to my brain at this time, even if i did study. ok no more writing stuff down, i shall sleep now. G'NIGHT!

my right knee is screwed

ahhhhhh nooooooo. it hurts to bend down now :( hmmphhhh

HOLDING A GRUDGE IS LETTING SOMEONE LIVE RENT-FREE IN YOUR HEAD

ooooooooh if only this were true to everyone on this planet.

ooooh one more thing

there's a crean lutheran game tomorrow! which, i am not so excited anymore since i'm not in that ladder :( super sad face. sigh. ok thats ok, i'll just practice the whole time. adios!

:( :)

today was a sad day. i lost my doubles one spot :( haha. BOOOOOOOOOOOOO i'm fairly disappointed in myself because i kept thinking i would lose, so i did end up losing. this is why you have to have faith, people! sigh. oh yeah and i got a decent score on my science and math test :D except for that d in spanish test :( DOUBLE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i didnt study for that spanish test. but i still have an a, so its ok. i'll study a lot harder from here on out. and then after school, i had a really fun time with friends just talking about a guessing game of code games :D and something else too. haha. overall, it was a very good and very bad day at the same time haha

broken sandal :(

today karen stepped on the back of my sandal and now the middle is ripped in half :( :( :( :( :( they were my favorite pair! aghhh, karen >:O i shall forever hold a grudge on her, i was walking weird for the whole day today! :( and it was like this weird flip flop with extra straps on the side or something. hmmph. KAREN! GET READY TO BE BEAT UP TOMORROW. muahahahhah :D
i totally screwed up all of my tests today,except science obviously. but despite the fact that i totallyy bombed them, i didn't feel that sad today. i dont' know why, it was really really really weird.

it rained today!

that means no game, yayy. but it also means i had to stay at school until 5:20 :( boooooo. and i only did a tiny bit of hw. that was not on the plan, haha. well, actually i did try to study and everything, but i was really tired. my eyes would not cooperate. the words just looked like a blurred mess. i hate it when my brain does that. half of my brain pressures me on to study, then the other half doesn't LET me study and always dozes me off onto another topic. and i realized thats what happened, two hours later. -_____________-

being a somebody

this path month or so, i don't want to be somebody. or more like A somebody. i feel like being a nobody. i feel like being a nerd and becoming an outcast (do NOT say i already am!) but i mean, i don't feel like trying in anything i do. i just want to shut up and not talk in school and i feel like just, sitting there. i don't want to do what others do just to maintain their social life or what they do so that they'll be "cool", and i've never tried that before in the first place. i don't want to think of all these "witty" comments when my friends say something or those "cool" sayings that everyone likes on facebook. or all of those meaningful sayings/quotes people come up with. i just don't want to try anymore. maybe i'm just being emo for the moment.

worries

i don't know why but today and yesterday there's always something that's been on my mind..i just don't know what. its something that SHOULD be on my mind and that i should be worrying about, but what is it? what is this thing that would make me fret? and i just realized a couple hours ago that i didn't even know what i was worrying about, then i felt stupid. you worry about something for two days, and you don't even know what it is that you're worrying about. i feel a bit exhausted. and whats weird is, i shouldnt be. i slept for nine hours yet i was so tired today, even more than when i slept for less than six hours. thats really weird and it doesn't even make sense. i'm still gonna try to sleep more though :)

sick tummy :(

so today my stomach hurt, a lot. and it was excruciatingg pain like there were some points of the day where i was so thankful i was in a chair and it wasn't a hallway pass, cause i wouldn't have been able to move. literally. it hurt like the whole day and i have no idea why but maybe its just because i ate something bad, or i didn't drink enough water (most likely i didn't drink enough water). either way, i don't want to go through that again, especially during a game or something!i think i would faint if i played a game and my stomach hurt. i would probably forfeit and say sorry to my doubles partner.
anywayss, it was raining today so that meant no tennis/challenge, yayyyy! i hope it doesn't rain tomorrow, cause i wanna play :D

flashbacks and dreams

yesterday i had a flashback of when you told me you weren't eating. that you just ate one big meal per day. i'm not gonna exaggerate here, i was very worried. i don't know why but i knew that this wasn't good and i didn't want you to just stop eating all together and start having all sorts of eating disorders where you're so used to starving that you won't be able to eat anymore and that i felt like this was a serious problem. i'm gonna stop talking about this issue, it still scares me, to this day.

i had a dream...that you forgave me. that you told me everything was ok and that you told me i can never ever do that again and i said that i won't. i was extremely happy and then a week after (still in my dream) you asked me to go to ontario mills with you again and before i could even say yes...i woke up. then i got even more depressed, i was just dreaming. it was just a dream. a dream so significant to me that i wouldve been happy if i stayed in that dream. it was a short but somehow elongated dream. if thats even possible. it felt like a long dream but whatever happened was just, quick. i woke up disappointed in myself for dreaming that, i thought to myself "why'd you dream of that? you're just bringing yourself up, and ended up falling harder." so why, why did i dream of that? i don't even know. and now what confuses me the most is, would i want to dream something like that again? i'm torn between this issue. its not like i ever have repeating dreams, but, if i did...would i?

SAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHOOOOOOPP WHOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! man the sage game on friday was oh so fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i loved it. i realized how much that a game depends on communication, team work, and encouraging each other to continue, no matter what the conditions are. so i challenged doubles one on friday and i was about to pee in my pants >:O but we wonn, 3-1 !!!!!!!!!! WHOOO HOOO! i was so happy and terrified and excited and ballistic all at once! so playing against sage's doubles one, was extremely scary. they had really good shots and sometimes they hit extremely fast cross court shots that i can't reach. BUT WE MANAGED THROUGH...and lost :( hahah 6-7!i tried my best and even though we lost, i'm incredibllyy proud of me and my partner! that game lasted for 1 hour and 20 minuts! they played for like three years or something :( anywayss, our game against doubles two was kind of creepy. there was the blonde girl that kept smiling and she was wearing glasses and she just stood there..smiling. it gave me goosebumps. so i tried not looking at her. she had extreemeeellyyy good backhands though! so i stopped hitting to her backhand, haha. and the other one had like an australian accent or something, so i couldn't even understand her when she said the score. we started out losing 0-2, cause i was still so depressed about the tiebreaker that we played previously but we both encouraged each other and told each other to stop thinking about the tiebreaker. so we won, 6-3! :D and then with doubles three, i accidentally hit the girl on her sunglasses, and the glasses kind of bounced off her face...hehe...woopsies! i said sorry like a lot though. it was the very last game for singles and doubles, so my whole team and the whole sage team was watching us. i was like, shaking! but we won 6-3 or 6-2 :) cause i'm not sure, i was too scared so i diddn't remember, hehe. YAYYY but we're being challenged again by the doubles one team we beat on monday :( so HOPEFULLY we'll still be doubles one, but i'm not sure.

overall i'm really really really happy and suprised. i think why we did so good was because we communicated, and understood each other. and each time we lost a point or something we told each other that it was ok. but i know that i had you in my mind through all of my three games, i won for you. i won because i knew i had to put everything you told me to use because i'll never get the chance to hear all of the things you've taught me and told me to look out for ever again. sigh. this wasn't supposed to end on a sad note.

last post of the day

i think that i'm so depressed with this, and its just because i just feel so guilty. i feel so sickened by myself. i want us to be ok again, to make it all right between us, but to also make me feel at least a tiny bit better because you forgave me, and everythings ok in the world and we're still family. i don't feel good. i feel so...so greedy for thinking this way. i just can't get this icky feeling off of me; i did something wrong. i did something terrible. but the worst part is, i'm not forgiven for it. i'm not living the way i used to. thats so selfish and i don't want myself thinking this way. but its human nature, i mean, what can i do about that? i can't help it for feeling/thinking this way.
i know thats not like my extreme main reason for being forgiven. so maybe 0.1% selfishness. which is already enough for me to be disappointed in myself. thats so selfish, ughhhhhh. stop being selfish, vivian! stop being so emo, and actually start your hw.
and its also because i want to be able to live my old life again, where nothing extremely bad is going on, so much as to effect my life 24/7. where i would only listen to music and not just surf the web for hours and hours because i can't start on my hw. where i would study for a long period of time, and where i actually stopped procastinating.
who knew this would do that to me? who knew it would break me down.

i hurt you, but ended up hurting myself ten times more.

LEAGUE GAME!

everytime i blog, i'm gonna always gonna put at least one NORMAL blog, so my blog won't become like the place where i just emo myself out.

TOMORROW'S A LEAGUE GAME! whoo, i'm excited yet terrified. i'm still subbing, but i'm challenging doubles one tomorrow before our game! no i don't think i should be in doubles one, but i tried challenging doubles three a lot and i lost, haha! but i think doubles one isnt as good as doubles three. cause they don't have as much experience as doubles three since doubles three won two games yesterday and doubles one won none. so hopefully i'll be in the ladder at least once! but we're playing against sage and apparently sage is really good, so i'm scared, haha. i hope i don't screw up.

the whs festival is coming up as well and i'm so happy for that. i expect it to be lots of fun and that it can hopefully take all of my sorrows away. plus admission is free :D whoo hooooo. i like free stuff. cause free stuff is still stuff, and thats one more stuff that you can have, at none of your expense :) i think that was bad grammar. oh well.
byebye<3

...

ok so i guess the waiting thing didn't really help. probably cussed silently cause i talked/annoyed you again. sigh. story of my life.sorry, i won't bother you again. i was really hoping we could get past this issue, even if my chances were low. i would've rather you yell at me, cuss at me, or say hurtful things to me. cause at least i know we're still talking. but not talking at all, doesn't feel so good or when i wait forever for you to reply, until i realize you arent. i guess thats what you're trying to do you, you probably know not talking is worse for me and that you wouldn't have to be involved in my life anymore. that hurts, to tell the truth.

my whole life has been overruled by my depressing thoughts and i'm slowly sleeping less and less and less and less. i'm down to a little less then six hours a day of sleep time now, and that sucks. i haven't even touched my backpack to start on hw yet and i'm becoming a disaster. i don't know what to do anymore. sure i'll start my hw, then after writing down one sentence i would stop cause....i don't even know what i do to stopor even why i stop. all i know is, i stop. which is also why i'm sleeping so late. i've lost my concentration and all of my aspirations for school. but i don't want it to be this way, i really don't. i guess thats how it is though. no matter how many times i've said it, i'm sorry for hurting you. i really don't know what else i can do for you to forgive me anymore.
i've ran out of directions, and i'm lost. i guess it really will turn out like this, the last thing i wanted.

happy posts

i wonder why i never blog when i'm happy, yet i blog like crazy when i'm sad. i think i'm going to start blogging when i'm happy now too. notice, WHEN i'm happy. haha!i wonder how long will that take.

why should you forgive me?

i don't know, either. i wouldn't forgive myself if i were you too. and thats probably what pains me the most, knowing that i don't have a right to ask for your forgiveness. i don't have a right to say sorry and also when sorry is never going to be enough for you. But i really am hoping that your generous enough to give me that, forgiveness that is. I'm hoping you can be lenient with me and know that my true intentions aren't what you think it is. maybe if you could dig around in my heart, you'll realize. but thats not possible, which sucks. what i'm trying to say is, i know this kind of situation takes you time. but i don't have time, i have what they call impatience, fidgetness (is that a word?), stress balls, and tons of frustration. everything's not the same, i can't sleep at night and i can't stay awake in school. i can't focus on hw, and sometimes i feel like breaking down and just crying like a baby. I think i'm taking this in way too deeply, more than i'm supposed to. but, for all the things we went through, i don't want this to be a reason why we'll stop talking forever. families should always stick together, right? i guess not right to you.
i'd do anything in the world for you to tell me "its ok, i understand, just never ever do that again to me, ok?." i think i'd be the happiest person in the world if you said that haha. omg you sound like my bf or something m__i! i just always want to know that if i want to talk, you'd be there. if i want to just hang out, you'd be there. this doesn't mean that i'm just using you, its not. but you were always my support in tennis. you were always family, and most of all, we were mostly (if not always) on good terms.
anyways, moving on. i know you won't trust me like you did before, and thats gonna be a fact. but know that i'm stubborn just like you, and i'll never give up, ever. so you can count on me for that.

50 HOURS, AND COUNTING..

just saying sorry to you isn't enough...thats why i said it a thousand times in a thousand ways.

day one of waiting

waiting is hard, waiting takes patience. and frankly, i don't have patience even if my life depended on it. so, this is hard. harder then i thought it would be. 24 HOURS DOWN, 48 MORE TO GO. hopefully this "strategy" works, please, please make it work. T^T how many days does it take to say its ok? lets see.

it takes someone to go through pain and sadness, to know what true happiness really means.

so many postss

maybe i should get a tumblr or something, so i can rant and stuff a hundred times a day :D anyways....
i really wish that it didn't have to end this way, on such extremely bad terms. i tried my best to make anything or SOMETHING happen, for the better, but i guess it just didn't work out, right? wow, this sounds like i'm breaking up in a relationship, when i'm not. ANYWAYS, i've known you my whole entire life and i thought we were going to continue being a family sticking together during the good times and the bad times for the rest of our lives, but i guess thats not the case. and that pains me very much.

if i could wish for anything right now, it would be for you and me to be back to what we used to be and not what we are as of now. so i'm going to hope/imagine that a shooting star passed by. of course it won't be exactly like the wish i just made, or it won't come true and i'll be sad. but it'll be something similar to it.

i want to tell you that i've learned my lesson and that i'm eventually going to breaking down (if i haven't already) through whatever this thing is that we're going through, but its not like you would listen to me. its not like you'll give me a chance to explain myself in any way or form, because thats just the way you are. you stay angry at people for the longest time ever, and you never forgive no matter what they did, as long as they made you mad. does it really have to end like this though? is this what you've always wanted? well, its certainly not what i've always wanted or even EVER wanted but just realize that when you look back on this you'll know that i tried my best for me and you to be back to the way things were and that i really, truly didn't mean to do the things i did. i didn't mean to hurt you in any shape or form, i didn't mean for it to make things more complicated in our lives then it already is. it was something on the moment, i was extremely mad and ranting at whatever i could find and exaggerate it to the extreme. i took it the wrong way, your approach of teaching me, because i've always had to be suspicious in whatever you were doing for me, you always had to benefit one way or another. if its going with her, or enjoying a day out of your house, or even buying some new clothes and spending time to shop. i never knew how much you've been trying to help me, because its in a more harsher way than i thought it would be, so i didn't realize it until now that i rethink of everything thats happened. so, i'm sorry. i really am sorry.

but, when you remember years later this moment right now, we'd already haven't spoken to each other for decades and all this time would pass by where we weren't in each others lives. we haven't talked, haven't seen each other, and our lives have literally blinked past us just like that. thats what i'm most scared of though, its when i look back to this time and realize that i've made a terrible mistake thats going to haunt me forever. but what i won't have, that you would, is guilt. guilt that you didn't forgive easier, guilt that you let all this time pass by, guilt that you never listened to a single word of explanation that i tried telling you ten thousand times. you had ten thousand chances to even try to make things ok between you and me, and you lost them all.

i hope you don't read this ( you probably won't ) because you would get even more pissed. please just think from my point of view, at least once and see how i see the world. because this is somewhere i can rethink where i can just let everything out and if all of this was in me, i'd burst right this moment.

i wish we had already invented a time machine

do i really think the world evolves around me?

my life in ruins

i don't know how to survive anymore. things are going downhill more worst then i've ever imagined that it would be.i was always able to go to you for help. i can't believe we're not talking. i just can't take it. it scares the shit out of me.
and now, i have no one to lean on, to ask for help about my conflicts or my life.i regret it so much, it feels like someone stabbing me in the heart over and over again. please forgive me, i know you're super pissed and i'm trying my best to get this message through but it just seems like you want to shun me out of your life forever, and i honestly don't think i could handle that. even if you don't like me as much as her or i'm not socially cool looking enough to be in any of your profile pictures like her i'm still family, right? people say, blood is thicker then water and i really hope that its true. i did something wrong, you did something wrong, can't we just forget about this. i did something worse of course, but i'm trying so hard to make things better and you're just not letting that happen. why do you have to hold in so much hate inside of you? i get so exhausted just for hating something for one day, and now i'm even more exhausted from being sad/hurt/angry and in pain for the past few days, i don't know how much longer i can last with this, so please, make it stop, i'm begging you.

naps, anyone?

i really need sleep time. sleep time makes me happy :) man, i wish the days were longer with more hours. i can sleep more, and i would have more time to do hw! which is what i'm supposed to be doing right now, but thats ok ;) every single minute of every single day i only want to do one thing, and thats sleep. SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP, thats all i can think of! and the occasional thought of food.yeah, so i need to do hw faster so i can sleep more! speaking of that....i need to do hw. haha. ok byee.

its been a while

a long while. if that even made sense...a long while? whatever. so its been like two months since i last blogged, i believe? my depression level has finally dropped to an all time low. i just tried out for jv tennis,i made it, and then i got kicked off for an unjust reason, and thats been making me cry a lot. i don't even get why i'm crying, i just feel like i've been wronged. i went through so much just to play tennis, just to tryout, just to practice with my friends, and now this is what i get? it just doesn't seem right. it really doesnt. i now have no more interest in school, there's nothing i'm looking forward too and i don't even know what to do to get my interest back to where it belongs.i think that last year has been too good to me, too great to me, so now this year feels like shit. it feels as if this year will compare nothing to my previous year and i was so looking forward for this year to be even better. i honestly wish i could tell myself everything's okay and that i can deal with it, but i can't, because everything's not okay and i really can't deal with it. the only reason i haven't been blogging was because everything wasn't that great in those two awful months. so if i wrote it down, i know i would've felt worse. who wouldn't, if they're reflecting everything crappy in their life, and then realizing all of the crappy stuff they have? needless to say....wait, what does that even mean? needless to say...hmmm. ANYWAYS, i've finally decided to blog, because i know i have to let it all out, even if it means tearing up while typing this for the reason that i'll feel better. hopefully tomorrow will be a good day because tomorrow's my last hope. i'm going to hope

vietnam

i'm almost going to vietnam, i'm supposed to be packing.....heheh :) but i hope i'll have fun, and have almost no mosquito bites. is that how you spell mosquito? oh whatever. ANYWAYS! i also hope i won't have that many facebook notifications, i probably won't, haha! wow i'm gonna be gone for a month. this stupid vacation is something that is ruining all of my schedules. i won't get to go to the OFFICIAL tennis practices, for a MONTH! THATS A LOT FOR ME! and no volunteering in july (which is also a block for me cause i wanted to go to oc fair volunteering!) but other than that, i guess its not that bad. oh wait i wanted to go to whitney summer school! :( but they both have july in it. okay, goodbye for now!

bicycles

i want a bike. i had one, but i've outgrown it. i've had this urge to ride a bike for like two years now, but its not like i'm crazy over it. its just that every once in a while, i think about wanting to ride a bike at that moment. except, i don't have one. haha. i just want to go somewhere that all there is, is nature. no buildings, no roads, no technology. just grass, lots and lots of grass. i would definitely be able to live there for a long period of time, i wouldn't last there forever because thats just stupid. why live out where nobody is, forever? that would be really lonely. if someone lived there with me, like a friend or something, i would last. but what kind of person wants to live out with their friend (me) in a place with no one except grass and two bikes forever? that person would be really really crazy, like me. soo.... anyone want to live in a place with just grass with me? :)

school is officially over

so now, i have nothing to do. well actually, its the complete opposite. my life during the summer will be packed with just benefits for the future. all this worrying about a better life when i hit my junior and senior year. i thought that when school would be over, i'd be so happy because i wouldn't worry about grades. but now, i have all this free time, to think about whats gonna happen after summer vacation. there's nothing really that i'm doing that involves the present, besides the vacation. the others are just gonna be, oh if i get into a better sports team, volunteer hours for college, swimming so that i might grow taller? what am i gonna do that i would like, for right now? none of all this planning so that my life would be better later on. why can't i just worry about later on, later? because the earlier the better. the earlier you volunteer, the better. the earlier you have some sports the better. i wanna do something that would make me happy right now, not something i'm doing to make me happy years later. but i know i would regret not doing it. maybe i'm just going into this subject a bit too deep, because i am happy doing all these things. but its just draining out all my energy. i always feel tired and after i do something, i would take a four hour nap and when i wake up, i wouldn't want to. this is basically me complaining about not sleeping enough, but i'm still happy doing all these things, its just i want to stop planning everything.

my science failure.

ugh i won't be able to go to honors. unless mr. tseng takes pity on me, since if i got a 50/50 on science comps then i could go up to an 89.04. i have to get an a to go to bio honors. i was really looking forward to go to honors next year since i really really like biology and i'm not that interested in physics. sigh, it really sucks. i mean, i realize that its not that bad its just one class, but it was something that i really wanted and i kept failing all my science tests since i didn't understand them or study hard enough. i'm really disappointed in myself for not being able to go up to an a. i just hope some crazy miracle happens and i get a 50 on the comp and he says i'll be able to go to honors. but thats gonna be very hard. VERY hard. i wasn't very good in science this year, so what would the chances be that i'd get a 50? none. i'll just study my ass off tomorrow and not go on the internet at all. let's hang on hope.

ONE DOWN, ONE MORE TO GO!

YESSS! i'm done with one part of what i wanted to accomplish! haha, yes i think i realize now its very obvious how much i slack off that i would be happy of accomplishing one thing in the educational area. but nonetheless, i tried really hard :) i better ace that essay!! if i don't, all my super duper hard work (well not that hard,HAHA) would be wasted. i'm not gonna study for spanish, i'll do that early in the morning. WISH ME LUCK!

FINALS

so yes, i'm supposed to be writing stuff down in my note card for english, and studying for my oral. but OBVIOUSLY, i'm not. i just don't FEEL like doing it. i really don't know why, its just i don't know. my chest feels heavy again and it just tells me to stop doing the things i should be doing. i'm trying to fight it off, but as you can see, its not really working. JFOIEAPJWFEJAEJWAJOI ! i tell myself everyday to stop slacking off but its not really working out well for me. ok i think this made me realize how much crap i have going on, haha. gonna ATTEMPT to work hard now. WISH ME LUCK!

-family time-, my western grip

i decided not to do family time anymore. it was just blech. So I played tennis with Catherine and her uncle, her uncle's really good. I guess I could say that I learned many things from him. For one, having a western grip. He says a western grip was best for me, but I absolutely hate the Western grip. I don't care if it would help me in the future if I know its not the right one for me. I was really tired and he told me I should probably use another racket, one that would cost me like 200 bucks. that ruined my day. a 200 dollar racket?! but my mom told me it was fine, so I just went with it. Then today my cousin came over and told me I needed to use this one to "gain skills" because its not the racket its the person, or whatever. So I need to learn with this one before I buy a better one. He said he'll show me so at least now I have like a half-coach :D I was about to say, life's good, but its not. All these tests are making my head hurt, but life will be good, once school is over :)

My very first blog, in a really long time.

so its been a really long time since i've blogged. i stopped for a while, but here i am, ready for more. I'm gonna try this for like two months or something to see if it would even help me emotionally. I think its supposed to. So what made me start this blog was my level of stress. I'm not really appreciating life right now and i came here, in hopes of just pooping it all out. lets begin, shall we?

My parents are too overprotective. and if there was a higher level of overprotectiveness, they would be it. My friends can't even pick me up to go anywhere and sometimes i think that they just don't even believe in my friends at all. Telling me to be careful and that if some dude comes in I should call them. At first they made a plan to follow my friend thats there, but then they doubted that and decided on calling them would be best for me. I mean, do they not trust my friends? Do they not trust in the judgement that I have of making friends? My chest feels really heavy now. Everytime they do or say something to make it worse, it gets heavier. I'm not really loving this feeling. And my grades, I keep slacking off when I never want to slack off and I don't know why I slack off. Then i just get so pissed at myself afterwards, realizing how much of a lazy ass I've become. I think, whats gotten into me? But this never ending cycle just can't seem to stop. I really want to raise my grade up in science for me to go into Bio H but I'm not even sure of myself if thats likely to happen.

I feel like everything is just wrong in life, and nothing really seems right. I don't even know what I should do anymore. I would like to say that I'm just gonna go to the swings and hang out for a little bit to cool down, but thats not really likely to happen. It would be too 'dangerous' for me. I was gonna write more but my mom is getting a bit mad now. So to remind myself, my next blogs gonna be called Family Time